You know that voicemail from the prepubescant Kelly I had? I had another one the next day: "hi kelly it's kelly. when you get this message can you ring me or somefink. it's urgent. cheers-bye." (I've decided they're both called Kelly by the way, it sounds more like that.) Kelly-caller sounded flustered and very anxious to get in contact with Kelly-me.

Well, I've just had another one. My phone didn't ring. For some reason it went to my voicemail, and then my voicemail called me. And it said the message was left one minute in the future. And Kelly-caller: She sounded subdued, anxious, upset, possibly a little scared, speaking quietly but very close to the phone.

"'lo kelly... kelly please please please get hold of me [long breath] it's [mumble] fucking head in okay... cheers. please get hold of me. cheers-bye."

What is this? Does Kelly-caller think Kelly-me has been dispatched by Kimberly and the one Ashley went out with? If they were really such good friends, why does Kelly-caller keep getting the phone number wrong? This is beginning to feel like a cross between Archer's Goon and the answer machine sketches from The League Of Gentlemen radio series. Only IRL.