"Sorry to rub it in. (The suntan lotion, of course.) Just a cheeky factor 4 for the moment, build up a lovely golden base before we get onto some serious bronzing with the old vegetable oil. Pass the Pimm's, dear."

Jamie's been on holiday. Still bloody on holiday, judging by the farce that has been getting this week's Upsideclown on time. But mustn't grumble, mainly because his piece is pretty darn good: Postcards From The Edge (of the pool).