Interconnected

Don't analyse so much she'd always say (when I always did), and finally now when I'm 23 I've come round to my mother's way of thinking.

But it's useful/ instructive/ because I can, I'd say, because I want to know, and there I'd be, tugging at the strands of motivations during an argument over the kitchen table, or dissecting the psyches of people I knew, or myself, or the person I was talking to, or planning (in great detail) what I was going to do next and why or what was going to happen and why, because when you're 9 to 16, 17, 18 or so everything is so incredibly important and emotionally engaging (whereas now of course it just makes me laugh). And now I don't do this, for a variety of reasons, chief among them this weird concept I have that it's bad to be reliant, and making decisions by analysis is dependent on memory and technique and observation and so on, so you only really know something if you do it automatically by heart instinctively and the only way to do that is to practice. And I suppose the other main reason is that I enjoy living more by instinct, it's more truly me, and that I know that I can, should I want, dissect any given situation, and I can do it and learn from it at my leisure (except I don't do that much any more either). It's taken a few years but now I think that this turnaround is complete: that I enjoy finding out how things work, but people and myself I tend to leave alone, on a human level anyway, abstraction is fine, and here I am, doing what my mother said, and who knows whether for the same reasons? Except of course, what is this text? I mean, what else if not analysis, I mean maybe not maybe it's just explanation and maybe that's the point that I know I'm so good at taking these things to bits that now I think it's not analysis but a narration of some internal idea I would have had anyway had I thought to vocalise it, and I mean that's completely true because I regard as belonging to the set of My Ideas all the ideas my brain could conceivably have regardless of whether it's had them or not, all that's needed is for me to input the right question and Bang out comes the answer, and I mean is that really analysing things (I'd contend not, in which case this text isn't in which case this is just narration or commentary on myself, comments that pre-existed as shadow engrams), I mean I don't know what I mean but there you go, here I am, here I am.