So I finished university back in June and wow when I finished it I was sick of it, sick to the back teeth of learning stuff I didn't care about anymore, didn't have to time understand fully anymore, and all that shit. Soo much shit. And now it's, what, eight months later and I find myself really wanting to learn more, really needing to have stuff crammed into my mind. That challenge that comes not from saying "yeah, I can do this", but from saying "I can't believe you gave me this to do, but fuck you I'm going to do it and do it well. Then you'll see". (Which of course is exactly what they want at Oxford, but we'll leave that to the side.) And I miss this. I'm moving along in my own way, learning techniques and languages and new skills, etc, etc, but still there's been something missing.
I don't know. Maybe I have this need to combat something that is fundamentally out of my control.
You would have thought that without this battle I don't even really want taking up my time I'd have loads of creativity to go round, but it ain't so. Without this driving force making me up my level I drop down and don't create anything. And besides, I do want these difficulties. It's like:
It's like this. When was the last time you fell down and cut your knee, really cut it? Not hospital cut, but so it really stings, and there's blood and all the rest? It was probably about ten years ago for me. But when it happens it feels great because it's so different, so new. It sharpens your sense of reality, makes you live in the moment. That's all too rare - what else can do it? - but you'd never go hurling yourself at the ground, deliberately. It's like that. (I have a similar relationship with climbing, on the occassional times I do it: Half way up the wall I hate myself for putting me there, but there's nothing I can do and it becomes a great battle. And it feels good.)
In this vein... Work has suddenly become really busy. Over the next few weeks I'm going to feel stressed, annoyed, rushed. Undoubtedly there will be late nights. And although I feel a little hard done by, there's this feeling of trepidation similar to that I felt before those final exams, and I'm sure I'll love it. I'll be living in the moment. And the more I do this, the more creative I feel. The more I want to do.
(Of course, really good music is helping considerably with this conquer-the-world mood.)
And while I'm on a personal post, cos they don't come too often, it's my birthday on this Sunday (the 18th). And it's the first anniversary of this weblog on the 19th. Just so you know, just so you know.