O, fresh Monday/ O, fresh Upsideclown. Today's subject: Enid Blyton's Famous Five, from Dan.

First up, there aren't five of them. There are four. Four and a dog. I don't give a damn how much the English love their pets, a dog does not have the same legislative rights as a human. It isn't a human and it certainly doesn't deserve to be allowed membership of a group which would exclude the Jews and the Irish like a flash. Timmy was there to keep George happy on the nights when Anne was praying for forgiveness to the God who never wanted her to be thus unworthy. That's it.

Upsideclown, bringing you blatent and open attacks on childhood value systems. Julian, Dick, Anne, George and Timmy are up against the wall in Blyton the Face of the Earth.