Today, Thursday, I am the Upsideclown. Let me once again illuminate your life with my vast and expansive knowledge.

In the universe next to ours, Adolf Hitler was nine metres tall with a moustache like a sofa and when he invaded Poland the rest of the world turned round and said, "mate, just have it."

Fresh today, and no, shut up, I'm not overcompensating. I said shut up. Fresh today at Upsideclown: You must reach this line to ride.