21nov2002

Falling over


Sent to [a mail list] this morning


This morning

I fell over at the tube station. Not badly, I mean I didn't hurt myself
or anything, just slipped in the rain and got back up.

While I was on the ground I felt someone's hand brush at my elbow to
give me a lift back up, but the hand disappeared immediately it was
obvious I was alright. And then I got on the tube and acted normal (even
though it was in front of everyone) and everyone acted normal at me
(that is, they pushed and shoved).

But why is this? If I slipped at home I'd get a "are you alright?" or
"haha you stupid twat" at the very least, and that's an exception. I
fell down the stairs at college once (or twice) in front of the entire
bar, and even people I know don't mention it (very good friends do, but
everyone else ignores it).

Kurt Vonnegut's sister thought falling down in public was a laughing
matter. This is unusual, like crossing boundaries like armpit squeaking
on a bus.

Falling down in public is like singing in church. In church no matter
how badly you sing nobody will say anything about it. You stand up,
tunelessly announce the words and everyone around you *can* hear, but
you'll never talk about it afterwards. It's an experience that crosses
the public/private realms, and there are two things going on. You're
putting yourself in an exposed position, standing and announcing is
essentially vulnerable and psychologically naked. But there's also a
private spiritual communion occurring. I think it's that this communion
is so sacred that your awful singing simply doesn't get mentioned, it's
negligible compared to the importance of what's really going on.

That's what happened to me this morning. By falling in public I was
inducted into a Secret London, another city that exists on top of and is
part of the everyday city yet is separate from it, a London which is
elevated and has a citizenry comprised only of those of us who have
taken a tumble. By descending, I rise.

And that's why nobody on the tube mentioned my fleeting collapse. They
were awed, struck dumb with my descent/ascension, and although they
couldn't see it with their eyes there must have been a psychic marker on
me showing my membership of the gated city, and this halo blinded them.
As it must, at this very moment, be blinding all of you.

	mw