Stupid People -or- I don't love you for your flaws, they make me want to kill you One of the most important lessons to learn in life is how to deal with other people. After all, we're surrounded by them, and they're necessary. We need other people for company, money, and in the end (and this is the most fundamental of all) they have sexual organs that aren't our own. Okay, that last point may not be completely valid - most of us have hands. So for the purposes of this article I would like you to breathe deeply and believe for the next ten or so minutes that you don't have any arms. Or, for that matter, dildos (is that 'dildos' or 'dildoes', by the way, and didn't Dan Quayle mispell it at a primary school spelling quiz once?), or an exceptionally bendy torso, or fruit, or whatever tickles your fancy. In short, you have no way to masturbate and so you really do need to associate with other people.
		Once other people have come to terms with your disabilities (not being able to jolly yourself off being one, having no arms another), how are you able to cope with them long enough so you can tolerate them being there for the four, or perhaps five minutes it takes for them to bring you to orgasm? There are, in the most basic terms, two types of people - people you like, and people you can't stand. The first type are fine, but a few and far between, so they tend to be your friends. It's probably therefore a bit risky to ask them to sexually stimulate you the whole time since you might lose them. In a nutshell - sleep with people you don't like.      But those horrendous plebeians come in many different flavours themselves (before anybody leaps in with innuendo here, I'm not talking about raspberry ripple flavoured jism. Although that's a wonderful idea, I refuse to believe it's possible and would urge anyone who claims otherwise to try the Pepsi Challenge and find out whether it's true or not). At the top of the my list of stupid people - people who don't know anything. Ignorant people. But that's excusable - it's their parents' fault, or too much lead in the water or something. They just bug me by some defect they've had since birth, and I can accept that. Really I can. They're also easily persuaded to do anything you like so long as you buy them a couple of bottles of Hooch. Or is that fourteen year olds wearing Puffa jackets? No matter. Just walk up to them and say 'Go on, shag me, innit'. Easy to deal with. If they say anything stupid just ignore them. Secondly, and this is moderately worse, stupid people who talk too much and are convinced what they're saying is right. Very annoying indeed. These are the sort of people you run into in the pub, or on the streets selling magazines.      The fact that they've managed to remember anything at all indicates at least a modicum of trainability. So, if they say anything stupid, tell them in no uncertain terms that they are Wrong, then proceed to tell them the Correct thing to say and Why.      Invariably they'll repeat whatever they said before, believing that just by saying it that constitutes some kind of valid debate. Refuse to be drawn in. If you're a smoker, light a cigarette, puff a little to make it good and hot, and then put it out on their face. If you don't smoke then just give them a good slap.      Be warned though! You may run into these people in later life, and they may dupe you into thinking they are fairly intelligent. Do not be fooled. If anybody ever says anything even slightly clever to you the first things you should check for are burn marks on their cheeks and burst eardrums. If neither are these are encountered, proceed - but with caution.      Oh, and if you want them to beat you off - fine. Training implies a subserviance to authority on their part, and so long as you tell them to do what you want in a stern enough voice you should be fine. We now collapse to the third and final level of stupid people. They're just like the previous category, but far far worse - they're in positions of authority. These people run shops, man phonelines, refuse to admit that they're wrong... ever. You can't avoid them.      There's no way you can possible cope with these people. They're beyond redemption. As a service to mankind, you must kill them or otherwise remove them from the genepool. There's nothing further to be done.      Oh, unless of course you want to sleep with them - but for God's sake use a condom.     Front page      |      Old articles      |      Exit